I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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