I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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