How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
