After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
