Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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