So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
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SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
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I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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