i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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