Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
