Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
