Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
