Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
