Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
