i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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