theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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