you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
