does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Do you remember whose house we're in?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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