i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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