Buhtt sex?
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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