I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
