i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
