Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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