My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
