im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize
