when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
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