I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
