You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
