Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
