Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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