She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
