when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
