The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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