The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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