I swear god or herbie drove my car home
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
