Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
