I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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