i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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