I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
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I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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