If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
