see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
