I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I party with great urgency now.
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