it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
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I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
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It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
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