I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
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