my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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