I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
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