she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I just want nice things and good sex
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Randomize
