I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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