Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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