im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
