Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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