my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
