I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
