i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
