my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
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We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
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He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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